As the memories of summer vacation with family, the endless free-time with friends, and empty calendar books of commitment fade into the distance, I find myself singing the words of a favorite summer song to avoid the contrasting reality of today. “Oh, when I look back now that summer seemed to last forever. And if I had a choice, yeah, I’d always wanna be there. Those were the best days of my life. Oh yeah, back in the summer of ’69.” Even if I can’t carry a tune like Bryan Adams, (and I only know that from the loud obnoxious singing in my car… ALONE!), I can’t help but daydream about the recent summer day spent with those I love most. I realize how much I miss it…already. I am surprised by how quickly everyone seems to fall back into their hectic routines like the browning leaves in autumn-- falling from their trees, scattered upon the ground, only to be blown this way and that way.
The new school year brings with it a schedule full of activities, a backpack overflowing with homework, evening engagements with everyone else but my family, and a clock completely incapable of keeping up. There just isn’t enough. We are always learning and hearing what we don’t get enough of. Not enough sleep, not enough exercise, not enough time to do all the things that need to get done. But what if we look a little closer to home? How about our family life? Does our search to get more of everything else come at the expense of connection with our kids- especially our teenagers?
Brene Brown, a world-renowned scholar and speaker on human connection, defines it as “the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” She continues to say, “We are hardwired for connection and our relationships shape our life experiences.” I definitely believe I am hardwired for connection, but at times I wonder whether I’m connecting to the wrong things—as if a pseudo-connection is pacifying my need, or responsibility for that genuine, deep connection with my son. If this sounds familiar, here are some important “season-changing” factors that will help prevent Fall and its time-hoarding schedules from robbing you of the connection with your teen.
Older children and teens, in general can be a bit more complicated when it comes to staying involved in their lives (or how much they will allow you to). At a time when, developmentally, they are focused on independence, freedom, reassurance from their peers, socially fitting in, and individually discovering themselves, it can be difficult as a parent to find where you mix into the blended concoction of life- demands. But, even if they don’t say it or show it, they need connection with you just as much as they used to- either how they’re used to or in slightly different ways.
1) Create time together. It’s easy for a parent to allow other people, activities, clubs, etc. to occupy all of a teenager’s time. Let’s face it, we might have been heard a time or two admitting how nice it is when our negative, anger-provoking teen is not around. “Creating” time means being proactive. If necessary, sit down at the beginning of the week and plan time to spend together. Take note of his activities and try to participate. Become interested in what he is doing. Learn to like (or at least tolerate) what he likes. Your teenager is a constant invitation for you to continue growing, exploring, and learning more. Developing new interests on your son or daughter’s behalf, no matter your age, will positively impact your relationship. Commit to spending time together, even if it’s short and has to be scheduled.
2) Show your love through appropriate physical touch. As children grow older they may decide to give up expressing or accepting physical affection with parents. Teens cite numerous reasons for doing this which can include: no longer wanting to be seen as a child, determining it is not manly, possibly feeling it is inappropriate, or it could be embarrassing. What our teens don’t realize, but we absolutely MUST…is that discontinuing physical touch creates a loss which can be difficult to recover. Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the book The Five Love Languages mentions that physical touch can be an essential component to expressing love to your teens. But if it seems your teen rarely allows the opportunity, avoid taking it as a personal rejection, understand that timing and mood can be tremendous influences, and don’t forget other less subtle ways you can achieve this like: a pat on the back, an arm over their shoulder, a bit of wrestling on the floor, an elbow jolt, a light-hearted push off balance as you pass by, a back scratch, and holding hands.
3) Listen with more than your ears. Sometimes the best thing a parent can do to solidify their relationship with their teen is to listen. Yes, despite the fact that we have grown into professional adults, skilled in navigating the rough seas of life’s challenges, “giving” our piece of mind might not be best. We may be certain that we can help, but left to uncertainty is if that is what they “really” need. As a rule of thumb, when we visit with our child and talk more than they do, we probably still don’t know what is going on. Re-discover what it means to attune to your child through communication. Your ears can hear the words, the tone, and the inflections in his voice. Your eyes and facial expressions can convey caring, support, empathy, understanding, and your undivided attention. Your heart can help them “feel” heard as you allow them their emotions, their freedom to share and express unfiltered, and your ability to stay at peace in their presence. Our teenagers want to know that they are being heard, that they have a voice, and that their voice matters to us. If you take the time to listen whole-heartedly, you will learn so much more about them and they will trust and confide in you when they need you most.
This Fall, don’t wait for the last leaf to be blown from the tree, when the season has fully changed and the feelings of cold have replaced the warmth of summer’s favorite memories. Don’t allow your teen’s misbehavior to scream louder than you could possibly ignore before providing your sincere presence. Don’t make the critical mistake of allowing the distance to grow between you and your child. Be actively involved in their lives. Although they won’t always admit it, teenagers appreciate the time you spend with them and your efforts to renew the life-fulfilling connection.